Engineering Pick-up Lines
* I won’t stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.
* You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
* Since distance equals velocity times time, let’s let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
* My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.
* Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
* Wanna come back to my room? …and see my 1000 Mhz Pentium VII?
* How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
* You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
* You’re sweeter than glucose.
* We’re as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.
* Why don’t we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?
* Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX?
* Your body has the nicest arc length I’ve ever seen.
* Isn’t your e-mail address beautifulgirl@mydreams.com
* You’re hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!
This joke was submitted by vijay.
Why Engineers Make the Best Lovers
10. - The world does revolve around us… we choose the coordinate system.
9. - No “couple” enjoy a better “moment”.
8. - We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.
7. - We have significant figures.
6. - EK301: The motion of rigid bodies.
5. - Projectile motion: Do we need to say more?
4. - Engineers do it to specification.
3. - According to Newton, if two bodies interact, their forces are equal and opposite.
2. - We know it’s not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.
1. - WE KNOW THE RIGHT HAND RULE!
This joke was submitted by vijay.
An Engineer in Hell
An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, “Ah, you’re an engineer; you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan laughed and replied, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God’s face clouded over and he exploded, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan shook his head, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God was as mad as he had ever been, “This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughed uproariously, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
This joke was submitted by vijay.
Working Team
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man below says, “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”
The man below says, “You must be a manager.”
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”
This joke was submitted by vijay.
A Stranger
Moving along a dimly lighted street, a friend of ours was suddenly approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
‘Please, sir,’ asked the stranger, ‘would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and out of work? All I have in the world is this gun.’
This joke was submitted by ravinder.
Purchasing the shoes
A shoe seller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. “No problem,” says the mathematician, “there is a simple equation for that,” and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoe seller stares some time at the equation and asks, “What is that symbol?” “That is the Greek letter pi.” “What is pi?” “That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle.” Upon this the shoe seller cries out: “What does a circle have to do with shoes??”
This joke was submitted by vicky.
Reducing Travel Risk
There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he’d got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, “Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there.”
This joke was submitted by vicky.
Fence Chatting
A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.
Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer’s property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, “I’m the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in.” Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field.
Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. “Help, help!” he cried.
The farmer shouted back, “Show him your card! Show him your card!”
This joke was submitted by raju.
Military Work Rules
1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer’s statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.
2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.
4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you’ll never do enough.
6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
8. The senior officer is Always Right.
9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.
This joke was submitted by vicky.
Fell Off The Roof
“How did it happen?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.
“Well, doc, 25 years ago…”
“Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”
“Like I was saying… 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, “No, everything is fine.”
“Are you sure?” she asked.
“I’m sure,” I said.
“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.
“I reckon not,” I replied.
“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?”
“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”
This joke was submitted by raju.
