Looks Bad On Resumes

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Here are the nine things that look bad on Resume.

1. I’m really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.

2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have worked for has since closed down.

3. I’ll kill myself if I don’t get a job.

4. I know where you live.

5. Any sentence beginning with “I was recently acquitted.”

6. I’m really tall, so I think I’d be well suited to this job.

7. Happy faces.

8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.

9. I’m confident that I’ll get this job. The voices told me.

This joke was submitted by Rohit.

Smoke Detector

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The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.

This joke was submitted by Rohit.

Automated Phone Call

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As an administrative assistant at a chiropractic office, I called an insurance company to verify benefits for a patient. Although the call was important, I couldn’t reach a human being, only a recording.

“Thank you for calling,” said the message. “Our office will be closed until two o’clock as we enjoy our Customer Appreciation Week Celebration.”

This joke was submitted by Rohit.

I’m the Boss

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The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

“I’m the Boss!”

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

This joke was submitted by Rohit.

New Dictionary

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While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supples. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, “State reason this item is needed,” so I asked him why he wanted one.

I expected his answer would be “My old copy is lost” or “The cover is falling off.” Instead he replied, “My edition defines spaceship as an ‘imaginary aircraft.’” He got his new dictionary.

This joke was submitted by Rohit.